Original email written:

Dear Hotel Manager

I am writing to complain about the poor service I received when I stayed at your hotel in Vung Tau on 5th Sept. First, when I booked the room on the internet I asked for a room with a view of the sea. However, I was given a room with a view of the car park. Secondly, the receptionist was very rude to my wife and there wasn’t enough hot water for us to have a shower for the first two days. Finally, the service in the restaurant was too slow and we had to wait at least half an hour for meals.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards

Ask yourself – is this written effectively?

• Is the Grammar the problem? Y/N
• Is it easy to read? Y/N
• Is the first sentence engaging? Y/N
• Does the writer tell the reader what to do?  Y/N
• Will the writer get what they want? Y/N

How can this email be improved?

The serious problem with this email is that the writer fails to tell the reader what to do in the last sentence and the email is difficult to read. The reader will only get an email of apology.

A more effective email:

Dear Sir/Madam

Re: Complaint – Customer ratings on the internet are important for your Hotel.

I stayed at your hotel in Vung Tau on 5th Sept 2019. The service was poor. This was disappointing after reading very positive reviews of your hotel on Booking.com before arriving.

Firstly, when I booked the room on the internet I asked for a room with a view of the sea. However, I was given a room with a view of the car park.

Secondly, the receptionist was very rude to my wife and there wasn’t enough hot water for us to have a shower for the first two days. Finally, the service in the restaurant was too slow and we had to wait at least half an hour for meals.

In some ways this spoilt our entire holiday.

What I seek is a compensation in the form of a discount. Please refund my credit with 50% of the costs within 7 days.

Regards

Why is this more effective?

• The structure should be –engage the reader, justify your position and then tell the reader what to do;
• Make it easy for the reader to read.

Original email written:

The majority of people will write “Dear Boss..

• I have worked hard & I deserve a salary increase;

• I need money for …;

• Unless I have an increase ….”

All emails that begin this way will be rejected without your Boss reading past the first sentence – guaranteed.

Emails such as this:

Dear Boss

I am writing to ask you to understand I have been working very hard lately and would like to ask you to consider a salary increase for me. I believe I have proven my dedication to the company and deserve this. I look forward to your reply. Thank you very much.

Regards 

 Ask yourself – is this written effectively?

• Is the Grammar the problem? Y/N
• Is it easy to read? Y/N
• Is the first sentence engaging? Y/N
• Does the writer tell the reader what to do?  Y/N
• Does the writer talk exclusively about themselves? Y/N
• Will the writer get what they want? Y/N

How can this email be improved?

The serious problem with this email is that the writer does not engage the reader and additionally talks exclusively about themselves, failing to think about the reader. The writer is essentially saying “Mummy can I have an ice-cream” – and we all learnt the answer to that question as children !

A more effective email:

Dear Boss

You will sleep better if you give me a salary increase.

As you might well appreciate, the recent review of the KPI numbers for my department are rather impressive.

I understand the annual review of salaries occurs in March of each year, however I believe this subject is worth discussing now.

Can you please accept my schedule invitation on Wednesday at 10:00am for a meeting to discuss this subject. 

Thank you.

Why is this more effective?

• The structure should be –engage the reader, justify your position and then tell the reader what to do (high-lighted in red);
• Make it easy for the reader to read.

Original email written:

Dear Wendy

I’m writing to let you know that we need to rearrange tomorrow’s meeting. I’m very sorry about that. Unfortunately, Garry has just asked me to prepare a report on the staff we have here in out HCMC office – he says it is urgent. Could we meet next Monday afternoon instead? I’m very sorry to put our meeting off, but I have to finish this report by end of the day tomorrow. Let me know if next Monday afternoon is possible for you.

Best wishes,

Kate. 

Ask yourself – is this written effectively?

• Is it easy to read? Y/N
• Do busy people have time to read all of this?  Y/N

A more effective email:

Dear Wendy

My apologies – can we please rearrange tomorrow’s meeting for Monday afternoon.

Can you please confirm.

Thank you.

Best regards,

Kate. 

Why is this more effective?

• Make it easy for the reader to read and then tell the reader what to do. The orginal email has 87 words discussing matters that are relevant.

• The task is to write an effective email to your boss explaining you want to take time off tomorrow morning to take your family member to the hospital.

You do not wish to have any salary hours deducted because you have been doing lot of unpaid overtime lately.

Original email written:

Dear Boss

I am writing to explain the reason I want to take time off tomorrow morning. It is to take my Aunty to the hospital. She has had bad headache for two days now. I am very worried about her. Please understand and I will do my best to finish my work. Thank you for your support.

Best regards

Ask yourself – is this written effectively?

The issue is that the Boss will instantly think ‘why are you wasting your time emailing me? You are aware of the company policy with respect to leave of absence. You should fill in the appropriate form and submit it to the HR department.

Be a part of the solution – not the problem .. do not write:

• I need time off;
• My Aunty is sick;
• Please understand;
• Can I please take time off.

If your first sentence is one of the above, your email will not be effective.

• Is it easy to read? Y/N
• Is the first sentence engaging? Y/N
• Does the writer tell the reader what to do?  Y/N
• Does the writer talk exclusively about themselves? Y/N
• Will the writer get what they want? Y/N

How can this email be improved?

The serious problem with this email is that the writer does not engage the reader and additionally talks exclusively about themselves, failing to think about the reader. The writer is essentially saying “Mummy can I have an ice-cream” – and we all learnt the answer to that question as children !

A more effective email:

Dear Boss

Nobody likes being alone in hospital.

On Monday I would like to spend 3 hours in the morning accompanying my Aunty to the hospital.

I have completed all important work for tomorrow.

Can I please request that this time off not be taken from my pay as I have been working a lot of overtime lately at my own cost. 

Thank you for your time.

Best regards

Why is this more effective?

• The structure should be –engage the reader, justify your position and then tell the reader what to do (highlighted in red);
• Attempt to engage the reader’s empathy, making it easy for the reader to read guiding them to the last sentence where you tell them what to do.

• The task is to write an effective email Write an effective email applying for a job you want. The objective is you get the job interview.

Original email written:

Dear Mr. Ann, 

I am writing to apply for the position of waitress at your coffee shop. I studied at the school and have 3 years working. I enjoyed this job very much, it was my hobby when I was in school. If you need anything more, please tell me soon, I look forward to your response. The above information I promise is true, I hope to work in your coffee shop, I will do my best with the most enthusiasm. Thank you most kindly for your time in reviewing my application. I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Best regards

Ask yourself – is this written effectively?

The issue is the coffee shop owner is only interested in one thing – his business. The write talks exclusively about themselves using the word ‘I’ on nine occasions.

• Is the Grammar the problem? Y/N
• Is it easy to read? Y/N
• Is the first sentence engaging? Y/N
• Does the writer tell the reader what to do?  Y/N
• Does the writer talk exclusively about themselves? Y/N
• Will the writer get the job interview? Y/N

How can this email be improved?

The serious problem with this email is that the writer does not engage the reader and additionally talks exclusively about themselves, failing to think about the reader. The writer is essentially saying “Mummy can I have an ice-cream” – and we all learnt the answer to that question as children !

A more effective email:

Dear Ms. Ann

Re: Coffee shop waitress position

I just love coffee – the fresh aroma excites me.

I would like to learn more about the opportunity you offer and explore the fit between my love of coffee and your needs.

Although I have never worked in a coffee shop before, you would have my full commitment.

Please let me know if what I say interests you. My resume is attached.

Regards

Why is this more effective?

• Immediate the writer is talking about the coffee shop owner’s business by expressing a passion for the product being sold. The structure should be –engage the reader, justify your position and then tell the reader what to do (highlighted in red);
• Understand the purpose of a job interview – ‘explore the fit between my love of coffee and your needs’.

The task: A logistics Sales Manager has sent you a follow-up email after a meeting with you.

Review the email and rewrite it effectively.

• Is the below email written effectively. If not, why not?

• Rewrite the email thinking about the definition of an Effective Writer.

An effective writer:

• engages the reader in the first sentence;

• makes it easy for the reader to read;

• tells the reader what to do.

Original email written:

Dear Mr. Lim and Ms. Hung

Many thanks for your kind time spending to us yesterday morning. We all think that it was really a nice discussion during our meeting, we are quite sure that basis on your great support, we will have more and more chance to cooperate in near future!

Also I am sure that our ABC Logistics Company is committed to providing a high level of service, which far surpasses the current industry standards. And ABC Logistics through our knowledge, experience and dedicated staff, are fully prepared to implement any procedures necessary to meet and exceed your demands.

Many thanks again, and we are looking forward to having more and more cooperation with you all in near soon.

Have a nice day and nice holidays ahead! 

Thanks & Best regards, ABC Logistics

Rewrite the email effectively:

The task: An Insurance Agent sent an email requesting the client to fill out a health insurance application form.

Review the email and rewrite it effectively.

• Is the below email written effectively. If not, why not?

• Rewrite the email thinking about the definition of an Effective Writer.

An effective writer:

• engages the reader in the first sentence;

• makes it easy for the reader to read;

• tells the reader what to do.

Original email written:

Dear Ms Hung

Sorry for my late reply. I have just come back from a business trip. I am sending here the Application Form as the file attached. Please help me to full fill the form and sign at the bottom. After finish, you can send us the scanned file via email. We will issue the final quotation for last consideration. If everything is okay, you can make payment by bank transfer to our account. We will issue the policy and insurance card and delivery to your place.

We’re looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Many thanks and Best Regards

Rewrite the email effectively: